Immigration Service Recruitment Tragedy, Nigeria, Oscar Pistorius, President Goodluck Jonathan, Satire, Valdmir Putin

Jonathan’s Winning Strategies

The published photograph of the beloved Nigerian President, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, kneeling down to greet the wizened mother of his predecessor in office, Umar Yar’adua, has no doubt caught wide public attention and reactions.
The posture of Jonathan poignantly stands out as this action, framed in the picture, was enacted in the midst of women including those who were reported to be Yar’adua’s sisters.
A number of observers have commented that the noble act was in keeping with the true character of Jonathan as a humble person from humble background who grew up without the privilege of having a pair of shoes to wear.
Some others, of course, the unrepentant detractors, have been reading all sorts of meanings into the gesture. The most virulent is that it was all about 2015 elections. They see it as a calculated gesture to win the hearts of a significant section of the electorate. They recall his similar gesture in the presence of a highly revered man of God during the previous election, which some believe clinched victory for him. They believe that Jonathan would do anything imaginable and unimaginable to win election. Gosh! How vile can a detractor be!
Some other negative school of thought view it as what they brand, we think wickedly, the President’s cluelessness about everything, not the list, official protocol, which his exalted office demands. To us, those who are touting this view are the clueless ones.
Jonathan’s USPs
We want to remind those who are touting the satanic view that Jonathan would do anything, fair or foul, to win election, to take another look at his numerous accomplishments and unique selling propositions which include: Improved electricity, unhindered fuel supply, effective security measures, peace and tranquility, far-reaching fight against corruption, perfect network of roads and a seamless transportation system all over. And above all, a great future for our youth in the face of high employment rate.
If you don’t believe that, just take a look at the photographs of those who attended the recruitment drive by the Nigerian Immigration Service in some states of the federation, during which dozens of lives were reportedly lost. During Jonathan’s tenure so far, the country has witnessed a lot of pleasant surprises, not tales of woes, disasters, deaths, and all kinds of bad luck, as some detractors would have us believe. Nigeria is indeed lucky to have Goodluck Jonathan in the saddle and would do well to have him for another term. Good luck Nigeria.


Putin’s Pushfulness

Remorseless and unrelenting, Russia’s strong man, Valdmir Putin is pushing ahead with his resolve to assert the Russian pride by reannexing Crimea. The consummate ex-KGB operative is playing the deft game of having the whole world teetered to his whims and caprices, and in awe as well as trepidation of what his next moves would be. Some believe so far he has beaten his arch rival, Barrack Obama, to a corner and rendered him a wimp, starting with the Syrian debacle. His detractors have branded him a psycho and another Hitler in the making. Well, what does it matter if a few thousands or even millions of lives have to be wasted for an Assad or a Putin to lord it over lesser mortals.

Pistorius Posture


To project how sensitive and humane he truly is, the South African paraplegic sports icon, Oscar Pistorius, had disgorged in court dams of vomit while he was reacting to the sights and sounds of witnesses’ accounts of the mysterious murder of his ex-girlfriend. No, doubt, more of that emotion-laden posture will sway the hallowed bench in his favour.


Guessing Gusau

The veteran martinet and gumshoe, who, some myopic detractors believe, has been over recycled too often, Aliyu Gusau (retd.), new Defence Minister, is being speculated to have thrown in the towel after being miffed by the irreverent conducts of the Service Chiefs who are supposed to defer to him. The Service Chiefs were said to have shunned a meeting summoned by Gusau as freshly installed Defence Tzar.

Some detractors have always held that Gusau should now be archaic in outlook on security and intelligence affairs and cannot have anything new to offer. They believe the septuagenarian should have been left to rest cosy in retirement and fresher blood and minds, who are abreast of modern arsenals of war as well as sharper and more scientific methods of intelligence gathering, should have rather been brought in to deal with the increasingly intractable problem of Boko Haram insurgency and other security challenges.

Well, as we said earlier, all those who hold such archaic views regarding Gusau are myopic. Our savvy President, Goodluck Jonathan (Let those who are always branding him clueless eat their hearts out), made a perfect choice to have brought in Gusau at the nick of time.These detractors were even speculating that Jonathan would rather have Gusau out of reckoning as an unrepentant presidential contender against in 2015 and so the President gave the martinet the sinecure post of Defence Minister.

These detractors, of course, are the clueless ones. Have they not noticed that it is just when the Gusau phenomenon resurfaced that the military started recording some long-waited successes against Boko Haram.

Some mischief makers are running their mouths that that the recently appointed Service Chiefs who were also settling into their jobs and were apparently valiantly taking the battle to the insurgents would not want to be robbed of recognition and credit for the instant impact they are making. Hence they would not be too willing to defer to the new Minister of Defence, though a General of much longer standing than them, not to talk of Gusau’s deputy, the new Minister of State for Defence,the ‘Lagos boy’, Musiliu Obanikoro, considered a mere upstart in military and intelligence affairs,  not minding that he is a distinguished Senator of the Federal Republic, a diplomat and seasoned politician to boot.

Of course, all those thoughts are satanic.

The tale bearers reported that Gusau, apart from resigning, stayed away from the first Federal Executive meeting he would have attended as new minister because of the purported raw deal he got from the Service Chiefs.

Unconfirmed rebuttal by presidential spokesman, Reuben Abati, said Gusau did not play truancy, but rather caught a flu which he had to nurse, not a cold feet, mark you.

We shall continue to put our ears to the ground and keep you posted.

Nigeria, Satire

Presidential visit, campaigns, Alam’s loot, Sanusi’s unending fiery darts and other matters arising.

For the umpteenth time, President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria is being harangued by the opposition party, the All Progressives Congress, APC, for not considering it pertinent to visit Yobe State as a show of empathising with the families and other residents of the state in the wake of the gruesome murder of about 29 school children by the ever deadly Boko Haram.
Asking the President to take a cue from what obtains in other climes, the APC challenged him to tell Nigerians why he has not or why he would not visit the scene of the gruesome murders.
Some observers believe the opposition is just trying to portray the much beloved and intrepid President as a lily-livered or insensitive chief of state.
We, however, believe this is not the case.
The opposition party had also accused the President and his party, the Peoples Democratic Party, PDP, of embarking on premature electioneering campaigns.
Of course, as expected, Jonathan and his party mavericks as well as army of supporters would not be fazed by these spate of accusations. In any case, the ever impartial electoral umpire, the Independent National Commission (INEC), had promptly lent its voice to the fray by stating that all the political parties are guilty of this malfeasance.
Well, we expect that more than just a presidential visit, the President will be taking his party political campaign trail to the hot spots of the insurgencies in the North-Eastern part of the country to receive Boko Haram defectors whom we know are eager to come under the wide umbrella of the PDP, wide enough to shield all kinds of characters, especially the disaffected ‘decampees’ from the other parties – including, as some detractors have mischievously pointed out, ex-convicts, those who are under the EFCC rader, international fugitives, among others.
Some observers are even of the strong belief that the delegates’ list to the imminent National Conference is incomplete without Boko Haram members. We expect that the delegates will be led by the leader of the group, Shekau.

Alam’s loot.


The one time Bayelsa State Governor, the feisty Diepreye Alamieyeseigha who went down the road of transvestism to evade the long arm of the law when he was being trailed for massively looting the treasures of the state, is alarmingly in the news lately. Alam, if you recall, graciously received unprecedented presidential pardon from his protege, President Jonathan.
His loot is currently the bone of contention. A private citizen who is a lawyer, purportedly acting on behalf of the state government, instituted a court action to compel the anti-graft agency, EFCC, to remit the forfeited loot to the state’s coffers.
The state government had since disowned the lawyer and his court action. Some mischief makers are, however, suspicious of the positions and reactions of the major players in the unfolding saga, especially the government and the anti-graft agency.
Well, we just want to remind the nosy Parkers that they are just raising false alarm. Whatever has happened, we want them to note that the value of the loot is less compared to one goat stolen by a common criminal or the twenty Naira pilfered by a pickpocket. As usual, everything will be swept under the carpet.

Sanusi’s unending fiery darts.


The suspended Central Bank boss, Sanusi Lamido Sanusi, is remorselessly shooting the breeze. He is still straining to make us believe that 20 billion dollars of the country’s fuel money went missing. He is relentlessly trying to demonise the petroleum behemoth, NNPC, as working with a cabal to generate slush funds for the ruling party to execute the forthcoming elections.
He reportedly told the New York Times in an interview, of his behind the scene jousting with some gnomes of the Nigerian banking world to expose the missing fuel money.
Alarmed by his threat to the bankers to open their books, two of them went straight to the government and reported him to a preeminent cabinet member.
As a result, he knew there and then that his days were numbered at the CBN.
Sanusi’s claims, as expected, had since been debunked by the government’s spokespersons.

Abuja, Boko Haram, Gen. Olusegun Obasanjo, Gen. Sanni Abacha, Nigerian Heroes, President Goodluck Jonathan, Satire, The Centenary

The Centenary

The ongoing celebration of Nigeria’s centenary by the government of Nigeria under President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan has been generating much controversies. While the government and its ardent supporters see it as an anniversary totally worthy of celebration, the army of detractors have been up in arms pillorying our beloved president and his administration for rolling out the drums and painting the city of Abuja red in conviviality while some other parts of the country are dripping in the precious blood of innocent souls being bombed out of existence or murdered in cold blood through the most heinous methods that can ever be imagined by the invincible and invisible Boko Haram.
The ever implacable critics of our ever lucky chief of state have also denigrated the list of the centenary honourees, maliciously nitpicking about such choices as as that of erstwhile butcher, sorry for the slip, rather lord of Aso Rock, military strongman, Sanni Abacha, whom the government decided to honour for his economic wizardry.
And regarding the case of the scions of a number of post humous honourees rejecting the awards bestowed on their progenitors, we can only advise them to be more patriotic.
And for those who are accusing the government of exhibiting colonial mentality by celebrating a past that is best forgotten and honouring our ancient oppressors, we say they need to think a little smarter. Would they have had a country called Nigeria if not for the ingenuity of our selfless colonial masters?
Some might for ever choose to see it as a contraption based on the whimsical fancy of Lord Lugard and his imperial consort, and rather prefer to have their Benin, Kanem Bornu and Oyo Empires or Sokoto Caliphate still intact. Well, we wish them good luck. That phrase again!
And for those busy bodies who have singled out our venerable Baba Iyabo, the General of Generals and President of Presidents Olusegun Obasanjo for genuflecting most piously to his protege, Goodluck Jonathan, during the assemblage of the country’s still living chiefs of state during the centenary bash, we dare say they are seeing mischief where there is none. These mischief makers are telling Jonathan to be wary of the ides of the centenary, as Baba Iyabo is never to be taken at face value.

While we are still talking about the centenary affairs, we would like to have your comments on these. We would also like to have your own list of Nigerian personalities, living or dead, whom you think deserve to be honoured or dishonoured for their heroism or villainy.